The Multiculti Gods of Asatru 
(A Vision for Liberal Pagans)

 This was actually an impromptu post, inspired by "universalist" new-age Pagans who wanted to de-Europeanize and liberalize this traditional White religion. If there is anything these days we can call our own, it should at least be our old Pagan religions, without having to worry, literally, about transexual Jews in New York with web sites claiming the AllFather Odin was a crossdresser, hence bisexual. Needless to say, the knee-jerk liberal freaks boycotted me for writing this satire. 

I HAVE A VISION: 

If Asatru becomes universal, then our history will be changed to reflect diversity and pretty soon Frigg will become the all-knowing Black bisexual Goddess of alternative lifestyles. Odin will become the Asian-descended Allfather of the non-imperialist oppressed peoples of earth. Freya will be a lusty Filipino exotic dancer and Skadi a feminist Eskimo on skis pulled by poodles. Njord will become the God of immigration who safely guides in refugee ships from China. Follow that up with a Black-haired Sif and a wimpy, unimposing Thor at her side weilding the hammer of universal love and unity in diversity. Idunn will become the keeper of the life-sustaining Aids vaccine and Goddess of anti-racist youth. Geifjon will become the Goddess of feminism and Nanna will light herself on fire to protest tribal wars. Baldur will be the beautiful on the inside but burned on the outside from his efforts to save Nanna. Gerd will become the Goddess of oral sex with ice. Heimdallr will become the Father universal brotherhood who watches the bifrost bridge to make sure no Nazis enter. Ullr will become an animal rights activist and Forsetti will enfore the anti-cruelty laws. Loki will become the wrongly imprisoned and the Sigyn the selfish will torture Loki by swabbing pepper spray into his eyes so he cannot see her hickeys. Bragi will become the "memory hole" and Saga will become the Goddess of "herstory." Tir will then sacrifice his arm to bind racism (NO JUSTICE NO PEACE!) and Frey will sacrifice his sword for the love of Ghandi and promote a one-child policy. The Land Wights will be transformed into the thought police. The Valkyries will collect the meek. The Disir will promote safety in the homes of homosexual couples. Hughnin and Mughnin will become bot flies and the Norns will become the weavers of Indian blankets. The House Wights will become migratory and the Swartalfar will ban environmentally damaging mineral extraction practices. 

The definitions of the nine noble virtues will be: 

1) Honor - Honor all people, including your enemies (unless they are racists). Honor your husbands and wives and those you mate with on the side. This is the mark of universal love. 

2) Protect - If someone rapes your wife or daughter or burns your home down, explain to them that this is wrong and offer to pay for counseling. It is the mark of enlightened justice. 

3) Flourish - Always give away to the non-productive what you have earned. This is the mark of humility. 

4) Knowledge - Always seek to expand your mind within the confines of newspeak materials. It is a gift from the universal Gods and Goddesses. 

5) Change - Adapt to political correctness. If you do not, you will be sent to re-education camps. If that does not work, you will be sent to Muspellheim. 

6) Fairness - Pull your own weight and if you don't like working, ask the welfare Goddess for help and ye shall receive! Treat those who refuse to work with fairness. 

7) Balance - Never wish ill on those who hate you or else someday you will be hated. 

8) Control - Do not lose control of your tempers, for this is a sign of intolerance and the Gods and Godesses frown upon intolerance. 

9) Conflict - Resolve all disputes in court. 

Those folkish Asatruar who are in the closet will live in constant fear of the Land Wight thought police. If it is detected or suspected that feelings of hate and intolerance are present, the perps will be brought up on universal bigotry charges. The "Folkish identity" adherants will be called revisionists for suspecting Loki the persecuted had something to do with this. They will not be forgiven for thinking Ragnarok is upon them. 

ANGRY WHITE FEMALE